Life was supposed to be easier or at least that’s what I thought some 100 pounds ago. I remember as if it was yesterday when I started actively losing weight and getting in shape. Granted, I’m still not what I would call “in shape” but I’m fit and don’t have any aspirations of body building. Also it might take a lot more time for my skin to grow back if it ever does.

One thing I do know, easier it is not!

Gym Take One by Brooke Novak

Pick any day in the period of roughly June to December of 2013 and you’d find me in the gym of my apartment building in Oakland. I would be there, working away on the elliptical for at least an hour a day. Every decent looking girl walking by would remind me why I was there.

While I would love to tell you how I have at least 5 other reasons to get in shape, let’s be honest for a second. The only reason I needed was love. And I would tell myself, how can you expect someone else to love you if you don’t even love yourself?

But the thiner I got the harder it became. Why? Because I started to work on myself. I started to figure out that I’m more screwed up than originally thought. It’s not that I don’t love myself. Sometimes I might even love myself too much. Like the times when I hear myself talking and think “how amazing am I”. Or when I build something and get so excited about the stroke of genius thinking everyone will be in complete and utter awe of it, just as I am.

So if it’s not self-love, believe me I love myself plenty, what else could it be? One common theme I touch on a lot with my psychiatrist is “connection”. And how I feel I can’t connect with other people. At first I thought I’m just to self-centered and not interested in the lives of other people. But that can’t be it as I do have buddy’s at work and I’m very interested in their lives.

Disinterest is not the issue either. Maybe it’s me not letting anybody else in? Ever since I was little I always felt like I was alone in this world. People I loved left, people I trusted used that to hurt me. Being called “bomb” might be considered a compliment in some situations, it wasn’t when they said it to me. Other words come to mind like “fat pig”. Thinking about these times in my life feels like opening a flood gate I had closed and forgotten about a long time ago.

This is not supposed to be a pity-piece, everyone has their own package to carry but I’m finally ready to open up the bags and find out what I carry around with me.

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